“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
the last thing a carrot sees
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault