The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
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The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*feels the wind in my toe hair