I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
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getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…