They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Breaking news:
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.