[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t