First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Friends that check up on you >
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Salad is the decaf of food.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
spicy snake
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.