Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Doctors texting each other.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.