Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”