Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.