what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
no cat here
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
New menu item
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL