pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?