Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
You Might Also Like
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I forgot how to panic. Help
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠