Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Always a metermaid never a meter
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.