My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense