What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that