i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?