“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
How times have changed.
i did the math
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven