If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive