*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
🤣🤣
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.