Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
You Might Also Like
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
*checks Timeline*…
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.