I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year