Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Salad is the decaf of food.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s