Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila