An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.