If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Lmaoo 😂
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
#SaturdayBears
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Mistakes were made
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.