Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Bros before Ohioes
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Okey dokey.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made