“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
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There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
stand with me against insufficient seating
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Thank you corporation very cool
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*