i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Trumpy Cat
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
The government even made aliens boring
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I feel this so hard
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”