[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
early stone age tool
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I only eat vegetarians.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you