*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡