Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
You Might Also Like
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)