My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
He-man has a Masters degree
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend