My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave