My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
You Might Also Like
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
*updates tinder bio*
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry