My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk