Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.