Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count