Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.