“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?