me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Going into Monday like
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
We like the way Dwight thinks
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
thanksgiving should be called feaster
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.