Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
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He’s cranky this morning
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color