If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?