Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.