My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
My dad teaching me to drive
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
You wish you had this many chins.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that