[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
blocked.