urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
How to make infinite energy.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.