A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
my sentiments exactly
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow