Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
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My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws