Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.