A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works